Photography Turret

Target lost!

Heartache

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while but nothing made much sense… I still don’t think it does…

My heart is broken. The sadness of having a relationship end is already a significant one, but it can be made so much worse by being suddenly and completely cut off from the life of someone who was the main focus of your own life for some time. It’s even more heartbreaking when families are involved. In the past few months I lost not only my partner, one of the people I loved most in the entire world, but also the people who were my family for two years. There is not one day when I don’t think about them, wonder how they are, if everyone is healthy, if they are happier now, do they even think about me? Knowing I can’t talk to them anymore is soul destroying… and so, every time I see something that reminds me of one of them, every time something triggers a memory, my heart breaks all over again.

Broken Heart

Silly fragile little things…

Relationships are complicated and life has a sadistic sense of humour. It can play with people’s minds and hearts in ways that could only be described as cruel. When two people decide to terminate a relationship, there are often hurt feelings and anger involved. Sometimes it takes longer for that to show, but it always comes out. And it’s not pretty.

Do you know the “be kind and gentle to those who hurt you” and “do not say things in anger” sayings? Not so easy to do on a broken heart. Even harder to do when the reasons for the end of your relationship are not as clear-cut as “he cheated” or “she took all my money and ran”. When you still love each other but realise it won’t work out, working out those feelings is even harder. However, the hurt is still there… why didn’t it work? What could we have done? What if we tried this, or that? And then you realise it really does not and would not have worked out, and you get angry, and you NEED something or someone to blame. So you blame yourself, and then you blame them. And they do the same. How can two people who love (or loved) each other so much, cause so much hurt?

Feelings are difficult to handle. Emotions can get out of control so easily! You say things you don’t mean, or you understand things in ways they were not meant. All that love, all the heat of that passion turns into an uncontrollable fire and it ends up burning out your heart and theirs.

…until there’s hardly anything left.

The interesting thing about hearts though is that they heal. No matter how badly they break or burn, they always seem to find a way to (slowly) get back to an acceptable shape. After a really bad breakdown, some very dark turns, nearly failing my Masters course and months of either not leaving my room or having anxiety attacks whenever I went out of the flat, my heart seems to be finally mending itself. I have been very lucky to have the support of my amazing flatmate and a couple of friends. One of these friends I hadn’t seen in a long time and her return to my life has been a big reason for my climbing out of the whole I had dug for myself.

As I slowly put the pieces back together, I’m planning my new life. I’ve decided to cancel my visa application and am moving countries. I’m starting fresh and I’m incredibly lucky that I can do that. I’m going to be closer to my family, my friends, I’ll start my own business… piece by piece, my heart will get back in shape. I’d make a Phoenix reference, but that’s a bit of a cliché…

Anyway, maybe someday I’ll fall in love with someone again, but for now, I’m focusing on falling back in love with myself, with photography and with this blog.

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This entry was posted on September 19, 2014 by in Life and other musings... and tagged , , , , , .

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